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Having the desire to have the best year of your marriage is good, coming up with a plan is better, but knowing how to make those changes last is a skill that is invaluable.
The cliche with New Years resolutions is that everyone makes them and no one keeps them. But with something as important as the future of your relationship on the line, you don’t want to take your approach lightly, you want to work towards what you want with all the tools you need to succeed!
In this post I want to explain to you exactly what creates lasting change and the 4 Secrets to making it work in your marriage.
First though, I want to tell you a story about a client I had a long time ago. This was back in the day when I used to work in a drug rehab center. I remember one client in particular, we’ll call him Chris, and the reason I remember Chris so well is because in my time at the center he had four different inpatient stays. That means four different times he ended up coming and spending over a month doing nothing but work on recovery. It never really clicked for Chris, even after all those visits. He ended up losing his home, his career, his family because he couldn’t figure out change.
Let’s contrast that with another client I knew, we’ll call him John. I remember John contacting me to help him with his marriage. John was everything I would have wanted in a client, he did his assignments, he worked on himself between sessions, he came with his own ideas that he wanted to run by me. John ended up changing quite a bit in his life and ended up successful in repairing his marriage.
Now, beyond the actual problem what was the difference? Why was one successful at changing his life and fixing his problems and the other wasn’t? Looking back on these two cases the big difference was one in motivation. Chris was made to get treatment, John sought it out. Chris sometimes did his homework, John always did.
Now, there is a secret about motivation and change that most people don’t realize…….You can create it artificially for yourself.
That’s right! Whether you have trouble following through with the simplest of tasks, or you’ve been stuck repeatedly trying to fix a problem for years there are ways to make sure your chances of success are as high as they possibly can be.
You see, there are certain elements that create permanent change for people. Secrets that most people simply do not utilize when they are thinking about doing something different. Not every single one works for every person with every item of change, this is why I recommend to the people I help to try them all! After all, to have the best year of your marriage, you want to use all tools available.
To help you get there and help you have the ABSOLUTE best year of your marriage, I want to ask you a few questions first, and then ask you to DO something with your answers. With each of these give as detailed an answer as you possibly can.
1) What do you want to from your relationship?
Don’t list what you DON’T want. Describe what you DO want. For instance, less fighting is a junky goal to work towards. Being able to sit with your husband or wife and feel connected as you share your dreams is something that can be much more motivating.
2) Why do you want what you want?
Go deep with your emotions here. Describe in detail what it would feel like to have your love back, to be able to be excited to get out on a date, the kinds of things you could do, the things you would see or hear from your spouse, everything you wanted once you have what you want.
3) How are you going to get what you want?
Plan in detail. Give specific steps. If you don’t know the steps then you now have step 1: figure out step 1.
Now that you have some detailed answers to these questions it’s time for action. I’m going to give you three methods to making change permanent. Each of these are meant to knock out common roadblocks on the path to changing your marriage. Like I mentioned earlier, the more of these you can employ the better your chances
Secret Method # 1: Reducing Stress and Facing Fears
There is nothing more paralyzing than fear or stress when it comes time to making changes in your life. In marriage this is especially true.
Over and over and over I hear from new clients all the things that are keeping them from taking action. Perhaps they are afraid of opening up and getting hurt, or maybe they are worried they will be rejected by their spouse when they tell the truth, maybe they are unsure about whether a particular solution will have an effect.
Almost every client I meet at some point or another asks me “What will happen if this doesn’t work?” which itself is a question that is preventing that person from trying making progress. This fear needs to be cut out.
The secret to getting past all this fear is managing the stress and anxiety that prevents change. Some of this work is mental or emotional, some of it is actually taking physical action, but all of it requires effort. Absolutely, I recommend to each and every one of the individuals I work with to start a daily practice of meditation, exercise and general self care. Nothing will do more for your health (physical and mental) then a habit of self care. It doesn’t matter what excuse you have, whether you don’t have time, or if you have tried and failed before, you need to push past those excuses and make it happen.
With marriage sometimes it is a matter of taking a leap of faith to make things better. Deep relationships are the way they are BECAUSE they have taken risks with each other, they have made themselves vulnerable and that vulnerability was cherished. Change for the better though, will not happen if you let fear of what may happen guide your decisions.
Secret Method # 2 Creating and Maintaining Meaning
The one common factor with most New Year’s resolutions is that most start with good intentions and then those intentions quickly die off. What is lacking is the meaning behind the change.
As a youth I remember seeing how people treated my older brother Jeff. For the most part people were unkind and dismissive of him, many times not valuing his opinion or feelings. You see Jeff was born with an intellectual disability and despite his generally cheerful and outgoing nature he had a really difficult time making friends or being accepted. It bothered me that people could be so misunderstanding.
Now I will admit, I wasn’t always the perfect brother to him, but Jeff’s interactions with others made an impression on me and years later when I started studying psychology I found a lot of meaning in my school work. Later when I began to work with children on the autism spectrum I often chose difficult cases because I knew that these kids needed what I could give them, patience and understanding.
My experiences changed who I was because I gave meaning to them, it meant to me that people who are struggling deserve someone who cares and this meaning shaped much of my life. Now this meaning came about naturally, through events that I did not control, but you can create meaning in your own life to aid your change.
It all comes down to one simple question: What does the change I am looking for mean to me?
This method is all about taking that question and sitting with it. Going over it on a regular basis. The reason why people abandon their goals is because those goals start to lose their meaning. You are not going to let that happen.
My suggestion is to talk with your husband or wife about how to create more meaning in your goals. I guarantee that an open and positive discussion about what you want in your marriage and what that would mean for the two of you will do wonders for you, especially if you make it a habit.
Secret Method #3 Change Our Self Through Service to Others
It is an interesting thing that some people give away their hard earned money or risk their life to save a stranger. I’m not talking about situations where people receive something in return for their actions, I’m talking about genuine sacrifice for the betterment of others. Why would people do these things, give something of them self without any expectation of return?
How do we explain truly altruistic behavior that ultimately results in loss for the giving individual?
And how does this relate to making permanent change?
When it comes down to it, change happens frequently as we observe others changing. this phenomenon usually boils down to a few different things:
They are experiencing a parallel experience:
We learn, change and grow through observation of others. Therapists and other helps often describe great personal change after witnessing profound transformations in their clients. Sometimes through these similarities we see parts of outselves in others, aiding our change.
Being part of something bigger than yourself
Once you involve yourself in a greater cause, it makes your own problems seem insignificant or less important. Allowing you to forget your troubles for a time, sometimes the very troubles that were keeping you from progressing.
Gaining New Perspectives
Frequently, one of the big things I work on with couples is helping them see their spouse from the perspective of their spouse. Gaining understanding of others can have a huge impact in how you view yourself and your own problems. This also frequently helps in gaining a greater sense of purpose as you leave behind self importance and gain a wider perspective.
What this means is that to change yourself you should lose yourself in the service of others. In marriage this may mean devoting yourself to supporting your spouse with their problems. Does your husband or wife have an addiction? Do they struggle with honesty? Are they frequently spiteful or angry? These are things that you can learn to support and help them to change. Often times the way to do this is to leave behind a piece of ourselves as we live to help someone else for a time. We tend to do this naturally for our children, you can also do this for your husband or wife.
Secret Method 4: Big Change
I could spend weeks and write article upon article about this one topic of change. In fact other people do that very thing. Change is a huge topic and one not easily covered in the confines of a weekly blog post.
This is why if you ARE struggling with making changes in your marriage, or making those changes last we are here to help you. The truth is that change is difficult. If it were easy you would have done it already and you wouldn’t have needed to read an article on how to make it last.
If at any time you need support in making lasting change in your relationship feel free to contact us at [email protected]
Thrive on,
Marc Johnston
High Thrive Coaching
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P.s. Want Your Marriage to be Happy and Healthy?
For years now, my entire focus has been centered on one question:
How do you create lasting happiness in marriage?
This obsession started over ten years ago. I was working on my degree in psychology, my wife and I just had the most beautiful baby girl join our lives and I remember thinking to myself that everything just felt ‘right.’ That was the same year that two of my siblings got a divorce. “How could this happen?” I asked myself. These were people I loved and respected, people that, by all appearances seemed perfectly happy. And then it was all gone for them. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing what I had, and with my studies I had an opportunity to figure out what it takes to make marriage work.
Because you’re reading this I’m going to make a guess, an assumption, I’m going to give a stab in the dark. I’m going to assume that you want a Thriving Marriage. I’m going to also assume that when New Years rolled around that you at least considered making some form of commitment to making your marriage better. Now, I could be completely wrong with this assumption, BUT I’m not.
I am so sure that you want to be happy in your marriage because that is what EVERYONE wants. NO ONE goes into a marriage thinking to them self :
“I would be okay if this marriage was mediocre”
Or
“I’m fine if this relationship crumbles away into nothing”
Chances are you’ve tried a few things, chances are you have some skepticism about whether your relationship really can change.
It absolutely can
To help you have the BEST year of your marriage I present to you:
The High Thrive Marriage Tune-up
With the High Thrive Marriage Tune-up you will get four densely packed personal sessions with relationship expert Marc Johnston. These sessions are designed to cut through all the fluff of traditional counseling and go right to the core of what you need to have a Thriving relationship.
Here is the overview:
Session 1: Diagnosis Deep Dive
How do you improve your marriage if you don’t know EXACTLY where the cracks are?
Every relationship is different and your marriage needs personalized attention.
We will:
- Determine exactly what is needed to move your marriage forward.
- I’ll give you a detailed assessment of your relationship including a deep dive into the 6 basic emotional needs that every marriage requires to feel fulfilling.
- Exactly what you need in your marriage so that later we can get there.
Session 2: Roadblocks and Obstacles
I’m sure you’ve attempted to change things before and for one reason or another it hasn’t panned out.
How would you like to figure out the exact things that have been getting in your way?
Even better,
How would you like to have real steps to remove those obstacles?
We will:
- Identify what has previously blocked you from meeting your goals and having the happy, healthy relationship you want.
- Uncover whether these obstacles are long standing personal problems or interpersonal issues (problems between the two of you).
- Pinpoint the problem and develop a plan to move these obstacles out of the way for good.
Session 3: Positive Action
What would you give to have specific steps towards happiness in your marriage?
Change requires action, it is more than simple words and promises. Most people are perfectly willing to make some changes, they just don’t know the next step they need to take.
Now that we have the information we need we will use this session to discuss immediate plans of action.
We will:
- Give you step by step instructions to open up channels of communication.
- Create more trust and intimacy.
- PLUS heal past wounds.
You will finally know just what to do to get the happiness you’ve been looking for!
Session 4: Long Term Plans
Have you ever had doubt about whether change can really happen?
How about the utter joy you’ve experienced when a long term plan finally worked?
This doesn’t have to be a guessing game about what will or will not work.
I can give you all the answers! The problem with most efforts for change is they haven’t considered the long term steps needed.
Here we will:
- Learn how to make permanent change so you can get out of the painful rut you’re in.
- Tap into your Motivation Spark to keep up momentum.
- Develop a Power Plan for what needs to happen in the weeks and months ahead to ensure your continued success!
Most people don’t follow up on goals because they get stuck at one step or another, they didn’t plan for roadblocks. We’ll cut through that by developing each step that needs to take place, what to do when you hit unforeseen obstacles plus how to find and receive support to keep the momentum going.
Beyond this I’ll give you my Secret to Success, my secret to making anything happen in your life. This is the secret I developed after spending TENS of thousands $$$ on personal development courses. This is the plan that has kept me pursuing my dreams even in the face of extreme hardship. This added bonus will ensure success in the months ahead.
Click the link to have the happy, close marriage you want.
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